Sigh, feel so inadequate sometimes. I guess i need to rant it out.. Had cg just now and i went for centralised bible study last night, which is supposed to be a class to prepare the cell group leaders for bible study within the cell group. Technically, i'm not the cell group leader but i attended the bible study. It was interesting to know the history in the OT but to actually comprehend it, i find it difficult. Well, during cg just now, prarthi asked me to answer the questions, kind of purposely la cuz she knows i went for bible study beforehand and may help her in starting up the discussion but i realised i couldn't articulate it, which means i did not fully understand the bible study. I copied down the answers but i guess i'm more like robotically taking down answers rather than understanding the whole picture. This applies to studies as well, i just want the easy and fast way. To be one of the leaders in pgp vcf, i find it quite shameful to have such shallow knowledge. Honestly speaking, i was quite embarrassed when i stuttered while trying to answer the questions. I felt quite bad la, going for centralised bible study but not contributing during cg. Then i get worried how people will judge me and stuff. I stepped out centralised bible study last night having this one thought that i'm feeling so uber inadequate to handle this. Even when we discussed our thoughts amongst the cell group leaders that attended bible study, i would feel my answers are all heading in the different directions from the rest, then i chose to keep my thoughts to myself. Yea, i know, this is bad. Towards the middle i think i started to feel a little out of place then i started to lose track. I am not saying that i did not enjoyed the bible study, just feeling inadequate when seated with the staff worker and the other CGLs. Yes, i know i have repeated the word inadequate many times but that is how i am feeling right now.
These few days have been quite emotionally draining, inadequacy aside, i guess there is some personal issues which takes up more and more of my thoughts. I kno
w it is very ambiguous but let's just keep it that way.
But all in all, keeping aside the negative thoughts, i'm fine lah actually. it is a good time to start exploring the bible, especially the OT and hopefully next round i'll do a better job :)
Goodbye my friends :( btw, the pic below with diana, if you realised, i editted away my chicken pox scar on my chest. So this is how i would look like without it.....
